"That's what she said."

He-Man Can

2008-11-23T13:09:00.000-08:00

TEXT

Snotty: Justin brought home all of his He-Man toys today. ALL of them!
Indy: Hehe I should dig out all my old toys and we can play like we are five!
Snotty: BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL!
Indy: Yes!

Postmortem Texting

2008-11-23T13:06:00.000-08:00

TEXT

Snotty: You can stop sending me job postings. I've decided to jump off a cliff instead, GOODBYE.
KJ: Take me with you.
Snotty: Too late I'm dead.

Round Robin

2008-11-23T13:05:00.000-08:00

TEXT

Esq: How is yonder neighbourhood?
Snotty: Tis yonder and neighborhoody!

Pining/Pwning

2008-11-23T13:02:00.000-08:00

TEXT

Snotty: I'm having a good time!
Esq: Sweet! I am jealous but also relaxed and pleased and pining for you!
Snotty: I pwn for you also, except not *pwn* except yes pwn. Heh.
Esq: Woot!
Snotty: PWNED

Chuck Norris

2008-11-23T13:01:00.000-08:00

Playing video games...

Josh: I look like Chuck Norris!
Esq: I know--roundhouse! roundhouse!

Kids & Politics

2008-11-23T12:58:00.000-08:00

Tutoring at 826Seattle...

Eden: This pen is running out--it's bailing on me!
Snotty: Hahaha, "bailing".
Eden: I need a bailout!

Life-Trapped

2008-11-23T12:57:00.000-08:00

Tutoring at 826Seattle...

Ranae (trapped by desks and chairs): I can't get anywhere around here!
Snotty: That's how I feel about life.

Simple Wish

2008-11-23T12:56:00.000-08:00

Snotty: I wish every day was a day I had to throw confetti.

Sombrero Turd

2008-11-23T12:52:00.000-08:00

Talking about this photo, Nunuvut's official Coat of Arms:

Esq: Why does this look like a third grader drew a pile of stones and stuck a sombrero on top of it?
Snotty: Because they're fucking Canadians!
Esq: It's like a bowl of salsa and a turd of a sombrero.

Three's Company

2008-11-18T03:36:00.000-08:00

Three different things I heard on Saturday that made my life worth living:

That's like a Huey Lewis song, but different.

There's a hobo in Gig Harbor!

You kind of look like a deflated Christian Slater.

Perfect Set-Up

2008-11-13T14:25:00.000-08:00

Rick (Esq's dad): I won't be happy until everybody's fingers are in the right place.
Snotty: That's--what--SHE SAID! *punches the air* YEAH!
Rick: Convo blog!

V.1

2008-11-13T14:21:00.000-08:00

Snotty: The hate mail is pouring in!
Esq: Good!
Snotty: I'm compiling the best ones for a post. Oh, and I still have to do your dad.
Esq: ...
Snotty: Not what I meant.

Sexy Party

2008-11-06T02:03:00.000-08:00

Snotty: No bitches while I'm gone.
Esq: ...oookay.
Snotty: That didn't sound very sincere.
Esq: I was going to have a sexy party tomorrow--
Snotty: I'll kill you.
Esq: But now that you mention it--
Snotty: I'll kill you.

LOL

Beyond Ironic

2008-11-06T02:00:00.000-08:00

Esq: I rode the short bus in order to take calculus early.

Breaking Up

2008-11-06T01:59:00.000-08:00

Overheard on Capital Hill...

Dyke 1: BITCH, DON'T TELL ME YOU WANNA SEE OTHER PEOPLE.
Dyke 2: *shrug*
Dyke 1: ON A STREET CORNER!

Favorite Religion

2008-11-06T01:56:00.001-08:00

I saw an ad for a book by Michael Horton called 'Christless Christianity'...

Snotty: (points at it) Look! Christless Christianity?!
Monica: What is it?
Esq: Also known as "--ianity".

Duck Brains

2008-11-06T01:52:00.000-08:00

At 826Seattle...

Renae: Read this sentence I wrote.
Snotty: "A gooey ducks does not know if its humble because they lack a brains."
Renae: Good?
Snotty: Um....
Renae: Not good?
Snotty: More like "not English".

Too Loud

2008-11-06T01:46:00.000-08:00

At the Halloween party...

Snotty (to the DJ): It's not every day you get the honor of dancing with a deejay you don't know very well in someone else's garage!
DJ: I can't hear you!
Snotty: WHAT?
DJ: I can't hear you!
Snotty: I can't hear you!
DJ: WHAT?
Snotty: I LIKE YOUR 'DICK IN A BOX'.

Hand Jobs

2008-11-06T01:42:00.000-08:00

Passing a construction site sign-twirler...

Snotty: I wondered if I could be a sign-twirler.
Esq: And?
Snotty: NO. I'd rather be a prostitute.
Esq: Really?
Snotty: Really.
Esq: Why not do both at once, make double your money? Well, not double, but you know what I mean.
Snotty: Nice.
Esq: What if a cop shows up? You'll have a convenient excuse for walking the street. 'What, I'm just twirling this sign.'
Snotty: True!

A Theist

2008-11-06T01:40:00.000-08:00

Snotty: So, can you tell me what an atheist is?
Oren: Someone who doesn't believe in God.
Snotty: Right! Then what DO they believe in?
Oren: ... Satan?
Snotty: Good try.

More Poop!

2008-10-28T12:09:00.000-07:00

OVER TEXT
Topic: the 'Blog Reading Level' widget (where my blog rated 'Elementary School Level')...

Griz: I think it discriminates against breeders.
Snotty: It's best described as a measure of unreadability. If it's clearer to read, it ranks closer to elementary school. The more fragments, etc, the higher the rank because it's technically harder to read from a computer standpoint. Says Justin.
Snotty: But I always thought it was b/c my name is Snotty and I talk about little kids and say 'poop' a lot.

Wicker Man

2008-10-24T18:47:00.000-07:00

Snotty: Do you believe in wicker?
Esq: I believe in the Wicker Man.

Alpha Lite

2008-10-24T00:51:00.000-07:00

OVER TEXT

Snotty: -I'M NOT A COMPUTER GOD, YOU KNOW.
Bangs McGee: I have light God tendencies.

And I Nap

2008-10-24T00:48:00.000-07:00

OVER TEXT:

Snotty: I'm so bored. What do normal people do on a Tuesday?
Matt: Normal people go thru pointless motions in inhumane cubicles.

I Never

2008-10-24T00:40:00.000-07:00

VIA TWITTER

sn0tty is playing "I Never" with the girlfriends AND LOSING.

Tutor=Torture

2008-10-24T00:29:00.000-07:00

Renea (8 yrs old): How do you spell 'tutor'?
Snotty: T-O-R-T-U-R-E.
Renea: (laughs) NUH-UH! That doesn't sound right AT ALL. It's more like T-U-T...O...
Snotty: Sounds like you've got this under control--I guess I just can't spell it.
Renea: But you're an adult!
Snotty: SAYS YOU, but you're a kid!
Renea: I'm just gonna do my homework now.
Snotty: Nobody calls me an adult and gets away with it!
Renea: You're weird.
Snotty: You're eight.

Take Heed

2008-10-24T00:27:00.001-07:00

Snotty: Maybe if you worked harder at trying to read my mind, you wouldn't have to spend so much time not reading it.
Esq: Sage advice.

Prove It

2008-10-24T00:25:00.000-07:00

Esq (deadpan): I know when I'm right with Jesus, nothing else matters.

Baby Face

2008-10-24T00:23:00.000-07:00

Buttercup: She had Mexican boyfriends in high school!
"She" responds: They had those smooth babyfaces!

Glass: Half-Full

2008-10-24T00:21:00.001-07:00

KJ: I never wanna see anything emotionally upsetting!
Snotty: WOW. Good luck with LIFE.

Crap-Spackled

2008-10-24T00:20:00.000-07:00

Esq: Crap-spackled!
Snotty: ...what?
Esq: Crap-spackled!

Bacon Suit

2008-10-22T11:45:00.001-07:00

Esq: Unsurprisingly, I also saw a guy in a bacon print tuxedo that had the actual smell of bacon today.

Trickery

2008-10-22T11:41:00.000-07:00

To the children at 826:

Rosen: Tricks are something--I can't complete this sentence.

Brain Food

2008-10-20T16:08:00.000-07:00

OVER TEXT

Snotty: I made brain cupcakes!
Griz: Brain cupcakes sound like a brilliant idea! Something seasonal for the zombies.

Booze Pie

2008-10-20T16:07:00.001-07:00

OVER TEXT

Snotty: Holy soaked-in-booze pie, son, that there was delectable! Thanks for sharing!
Indy: Hehe just the apricots on top. Was it overpowering?
Snotty: No, we loved that part!

Sure Did

2008-10-20T12:47:00.000-07:00

Whoreleen: Did you get a salad?
Snotty: I don't believe in salad.
Whoreleen: Did you just say that?

Bloody End

2008-10-20T12:46:00.000-07:00

Snotty: How do you want to die?
Esq: Something memorable so my parts get sprayed all over people.

Donner Party Treats

2008-10-17T12:12:00.000-07:00

Past convo, re-discovered:

Esq: Would you like a gingerbread cookie?
Snotty: I don't think I've ever had a gingerbread cookie.
Esq: (disbelieving) Really?
Snotty: Yeah.
Esq: They're possibly the best-tasting human-shaped treats available.
Snotty: Fine, I'll try one.
Esq: (hands one to me) My advice is to bite the head off first.
Snotty: Why the head first?
Esq: You'd feel bad if you started at the other end and they just watched you the entire time.
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Esq: (scoffs) What do YOU know about eating people?

Playing Favorites

2008-10-17T12:06:00.000-07:00

Snotty: Who's your favorite?
Esq: Between...
Snotty: Your mom and your dad.
Esq: YOUR dad.
Snotty: I'm writing that down.

Death Wish

2008-10-17T11:03:00.000-07:00

Esq: It's a personal choice--I don't understand making suicide illegal.
Snotty: IT'S ILLEGAL IN HEAVEN.
Esq: There is that.

Old Asses

2008-10-17T11:01:00.000-07:00

In the grocery store...

Old lady: ASSKISSER!
Old man: Yeah, yeah.

Gay Weddings

2008-10-17T10:57:00.000-07:00

After watching this video...

Snotty: That's what I want our wedding to look like: glitter, strobe lights, and blackface.

Brutal Honesty

2008-10-17T10:55:00.000-07:00

Snotty: Well why did you go out with her, then?
Esq: She was thin and looked like a model.
Snotty: OH. Those reasons.

Scissor Queen

2008-10-17T10:54:00.000-07:00

Snotty: Here you go, sweetie, all the scissors you could ever ask for.
Little girl: (curtsies) Thank you, Your Highness!

Dirty Thirty

2008-10-17T10:52:00.000-07:00

Snotty: Are you nervous about turning 30?
Mr. Rice: Um, YEAH.
Snotty: It's not that bad.
Mr. Rice: ...I'm a child-man.

Thinking Positive

2008-10-17T10:50:00.000-07:00

BUMPERSTICKER

At least the war on the environment is going well.

Instrumental Failure

2008-10-17T10:47:00.000-07:00

Whilst tutoring...

Kid: I'll bet you don't know what I play.
Rosen: Well, what do you play?
Kid: I don't remember the name.

Interstate 5

2008-10-13T10:43:00.001-07:00

On our way down South:

Snotty: Going to Gig Harbor is HARD!
Esq (agreeing): The way is long and fraught with peril.

Community Service

2008-10-12T08:29:00.001-07:00

On the blogging conference:

Snotty: The speakers kept saying 'The Community is always there, you just have to find them!" and 'Who's in YOUR community?'
Esq: Okay.
Snotty: So. Who's in my community?
Esq: *raises hand*
Snotty: Hahahaha, c'mon!
Esq: You just have to find me.

Flavor Aid

2008-10-12T08:25:00.000-07:00

Snotty: If I could execute an Expecto Patronum, I bet Justin would come shooting out of my magic wand to protect me. He's pretty powerful.
Josh: I think mine would be Jim Jones.

Car Insurance

2008-10-12T08:21:00.000-07:00

Snotty: One of the worst slogans ever: "So easy a caveman can do it."
Joshy: Yeah, caveman can't even make FIRE, so it must be pretty fucking easy.

Grimace Who?

2008-10-12T08:16:00.001-07:00

Snotty: What do YOU think Grimace is?
Joshy: He was definitely the first cutter.
Snotty: But WHAT is he? A trampoline? Grape Jello?
Esq: He's an organ.
Joshy: Yes! That's what your kidneys look like after eating at McDonald's.
Esq: It's a McDonald's-induced organ.
Joshy: He was an international playboy... I wonder, if you stabbed him, what color he would bleed.
Esq: Bright green, maybe.
Joshy: I think it would be poutine.
Snotty: WHAT?
Esq: Poutine would make the most sense.

Royal Icing

2008-10-08T12:07:00.001-07:00

Great non-sequitur:

Snotty: Dotted swiss and stringwork!!!

Nit Twit

2008-10-07T12:34:00.000-07:00

TWITTER

pmharris06: i was sitting in my tee pee.

Candy Bracelet

2008-10-07T12:32:00.001-07:00

Snotty: I haven't started to chew on myself yet.
Esq: Mm.
Snotty: But I will.
Esq: Mmhmm.

Twitterpated

2008-10-06T11:35:00.000-07:00

Best debate Twitter so far:

I took a shot of tequila everytime Palin said "also" and now I'm dead.

With a Side Salad

2008-10-06T09:02:00.001-07:00

OVER TEXT

Snotty: The Esq just said "hot beef injection" with a straight face.
Whoreleen: That is fucking amazing.

Nag Champa

2008-10-06T08:59:00.001-07:00

OVER TEXT

Snotty: Um, there's a girl coming who is special. I apologize in advance, I just found out.
Rosen: Care to elaborate?
Snotty: She's the Hippie Fantastic LoveBoat Parade.
Rosen: Preemptive apology accepted.

Unicorn Satan

2008-10-06T08:50:00.000-07:00

Found in my cell phone notepad and I have no idea how it got there:

It's like an ice cream cone unicorn satan clown! He is!

Bumperstickers Kill

2008-10-06T08:47:00.000-07:00

Bumpersticker:

Gods don't kill people
People with gods kill people

All My Children

2008-10-06T08:42:00.000-07:00

Newspaper headline on V.P. debate:

WOMEN ON PALIN: SHE DELIVERS

Snotty: She delivers? What, a stillborn debate baby?
Esq: She delivers ALL children... directly into Christ's arms.
Snotty: Oh GOD, she DOES.

Big Bang

2008-10-06T08:41:00.000-07:00

Stephanie to Whoreleen: Your bang wave is epic.

Titillating

2008-10-06T08:40:00.000-07:00

Snotty to Whoreleen: Whether your tit's sick or not, it wants to dance AND YOU KNOW IT.

Government Cheese

2008-10-06T08:37:00.000-07:00

Cory and I were watching the construction workers in front of our apartment building. One gal was on her cell phone, one was chatting with a friend, and a couple of guys were standing around looking at a hole in the ground.

Snotty: I wish that was MY job, standing around talking on my cell phone and with my girlfriends.
Cory: DUDE, they're GOVERNMENT WORKERS. That's what they DO.

Picture This

2008-10-06T08:29:00.000-07:00

Snotty: You once told me that people are more likely to read the text if there is also a picture.
Esq: I did?
Snotty: YES.
Esq: Well then, it must have been true.
Snotty: You know what? I know you. I probably stated something about text and photos together, and you would have said, 'Well people DO like pictures.'
Esq: People DO like pictures.
Snotty: But you would have said it in a mocking way!
Esq: Just about people who like pictures.
Snotty: Shut up!
Esq: Also, the pictures.
Snotty: *laughs*
Esq: ...and the people.
Snotty: *leaves the room* You're infuriating.
Esq: I like to think of it as 'endearing'.

Double Negative

2008-10-06T08:28:00.000-07:00

Drunk Asian girl to our group of strangers: "I'LL BUY ALL OF YOU GUYS A ROUND OF DRINKS, EVEN THE JEW. I'M ASIAN, I CAN SAY THAT."

Sarah Palin

2008-10-02T18:24:00.000-07:00

Lil Red: I wish there was some way to convey that nasal tone via text...or maybe not.
Snotty: I kind of love her. She's stupid and scrappy and has pretty lipstick.

Oven, Friend

2008-10-02T18:20:00.000-07:00

Old conversation with a 90-year old client:

Client: I don't remember much about the day I moved into my house, but I do remember that it was the only day in my life that I had to clean TWO ovens; the one I was leaving, and the new one I was meeting.

Bock bock

2008-09-30T06:52:00.000-07:00

Overheard at QFC:

Man, to woman: (forcefully) I can SAVE ten dollars on gas and go get more CHICKEN!

Space travel

2008-09-30T06:27:00.000-07:00

In the car:

Esq: To infinity...
Snotty: ...and beyond!

Royalty

2008-09-30T06:25:00.000-07:00

KJ: I AM THE CATHETER QUEEN.

Kangaroos

2008-09-30T06:22:00.001-07:00

My friend, ObamaMama, said these two things in one day:

Over dinner:

This food makes me hopeful for deodorant companies, that they might start making deodorant that actually smells good! We have the technology!

From the backseat of our car:

Hey, he's putting them up! I love the kangaroos.

Pets

2008-09-30T06:16:00.000-07:00

Whoreleen: What's that Pet Application you downloaded on Myspace?
Snotty: Oh, that's stupid--I wanted to remove it, but I never go and see my pet, so I'm hoping it just dies from neglect.
Esq: *snicker*
Whoreleen: Oh my GOD.
Snotty: I did that with my Neopet, too.